The Last Entry

Well, I turned 50.  Now what?

There is a scene in the movie "Finding Nemo" where the fish have escape the aquarium, have somehow navigated their way across all other obstacles between the dentist's office and into the water of the harbor.

There they are, with great planning and physical prowess, they have made their goal.  There is only one problem, they are each in plastic bags, floating in the harbor.  One of the fish says "Now what?"

The goal of this blog was to capture some of my thoughts as I reached this milestone. Now what?

Someone once asked Seth Godin "How much do you think you should charge for your blog?"  He restated the question by saying, "How much would I be willing to pay in order to write my blog?"  I take his point.  The journey of writing this blog has been an exceptional benefit to me.  To my knowledge, maybe one or two people glance at this site every few days, but for me to challenge myself to write something that others may read and may use in their lives has forced me to up my game.

Now I end this blog and I thank every one of you who has looked at it.

I'm now 50.  I reached my goal and I hope some of my words on this blog has helped you in your journey of life somehow.

Tomorrow I start a new blog.  "How I intend to make $3 million and give it all away."

In my 50 years and in my travels around the globe, I've been amazed at what people would do for money.  Tragic really, things that really tugged at my soul, things I reeled from in horror.  Yes, there was the ever present prostitution in Juarez, Mexico, Seoul, Korea, Bangkok, Thailand, but there was also this old man in Beijing China I saw 1989 who would take a metal rod, heat it up with a blowtorch  and then stick the red hot metal to his tongue.  He walked around the audience doing this so that we could see the steam and hear the sizzling noise of the damage to his body.  There was also this young girl who danced on broken glass, perhaps these were demonstrations of self-control, a Zen type way of defeating a physical threat, or some kind of theatric trick, but to me, these were examples of the many destructive things people do for money....I'm so sorry I was part of that audience, I am so sorry people feel it necessary to do such things with their lives.

Perhaps people need to do these things in-order to survive another day.   If so, I'd like to find and prove there is another way....

Money should not be something that we end up destroying ourselves for in order to get more of.  It should only be a tool to help us get to where we need to go - and that's it.  It should not be hoarded and it should not be lusted after.

Almost everyday my mail box is stuffed with requests from charities asking for money.  The inbox in my hotmail account is almost useless now because of scams, charities and businesses trying to get me to send money to them.

Pretty selfish really and because so many people are doing this, somehow this makes such behavior acceptable - even the norm.

I'm going to go the other way.  I'm not going to break myself, my family or anything else in the pursuit of the dollar bill.  I've had a goal for sometime now to make / acquire $3 Million in a legal, honest way and then (here's the kicker) give it all away. Yes, all of it.  Done. Good-bye, back to my real life.....You guys have a nice day.

No, I'm not going to give it to you.  There are specific charities and organizations that will receive it.

The challenge of the process is can I make / aquire / hang onto this money in a legal, kind, honest way AND then can I give it all away once I reach the first half of the goal?

How much money is enough?  People always want more.  Can I resist this?  Can I give instead of take?

This blog will up my game and I plan on writing it each day until I reach the goal or until Nov 23, 2016.

Wish me luck!

Don't send money.  Send me you good thoughts if you can.  Send me ideas that can help me get there.  I know I can't make this goal alone, but I'm going to start alone and I'm going to start trying alone, right now.

The journey and joy of making this money (and giving it all away) will not incorporate a process of taking it away from someone or something else.  The process (in part) will be to create something of value, worth such a sum.  You can find it here:  My next blog.

Live well!

-Chris

Time makes a difference

In the December 2011 issue of Wired, Jeff Bezos (the CEO of Amazon) talks about the "culmination of the many things we've been doing for 15 years."

The point I take away is that it's ok to try to be the #1 student in your high school, but if you don't make that goal, so what?

 Maybe you just need to expand your time horizon 2, 4, 10 or 20 years.  At 50, with great diligence, you will be somewhere.  And the game always changes.  It favors the prepared and those who have tested themselves and know their capability, but like a football, nobody really knows which direction this is life going to bounce.

Be prepared, but be prepared to change.

Today I am 50 years old.  One of the greatest mistakes of my 50 years was to underestimate my capacity and my ability.  At the end of high school, I think I was closer to the bottom ten than I was to the top ten.  Last year I finished my Master's Degree and graduated with honors.  It just took me a little longer, that's all - and I never gave up!

My physics book in college said that given enough time, even the motor on a refrigerator could lift the world.  Time matters. What we do with time really matters!

So let's get back to work on our goals and dreams.  Let us keep up the diligence and deliberateness as we continue to plan and strive to be that person we want to be.

Who knows where we will be in 20 years or 30?  But hopefully you and I will meet each other then and we will be that much closer to our goals.

I wish you a happy forever.

-Chris

It's been a good life....

Yesterday, apparently a young airman who was going through some problems at work brought a pistol into his work and was hold up in that building for hours.

Life is tough.  Things don't work out as planned, people let you down.  Things don't turn out as expected.  Still let's take each life event with a grain of salt.

We can't take this world too seriously.  We'll never get out of this place alive anyway.

So, let's do our best.  If we trip and stumble, so what?  Won't be the first time.  It won't be the last and maybe if we try just one more time, maybe if we show up for work today and give our best, maybe we will get that promotion.  Maybe things will work out as planned or even better.

I don't know what happened to that young airman.  When I left, the building he was in was surrounded by the flashing lights of cop cars too numerous to bother to count.

This world is no place to go crazy.  It is already a crazy place.

Inside each of us is the potential person capable of despicable acts.  That is not news.  The news is how do you  find the greater good?  How do you control yourself even in the most difficult situations?

We all have good reasons for going crazy and doing stupid things.  But really, maybe there is a greater reason is to live that second of life longer to help this wounded world become somehow a little better.

It has been a good life.

It didn't turn out as planned.

In the end it was even better.

But that middle part, man, what a roller coaster!!

The Joy of Work

Is there such a thing as "Joy of Work"?

I think there is.  Kahlil Gibran in his book "The Prophet" writes:

"You work that you may keep pace with the earth and the soul of the earth.
For to be idle is to become a stranger unto the seasons, 
and to step out of life's procession, that marches in majesty and proud submission towards the infinite.

When you work you are a flute through whose heart the whispering of the hours turns to music.
Which of you would be a reed, dumb and silent, when all else sings together in unison?"




Yes, work is not easy.  But it should be done with the joy of giving for you are giving of yourself.  You are giving the few hours you have of your life remaining as you walk this earth.


So give the best you can to work.  Look back on this journey knowing what you gave today was valuable and that you gave willingly to help the world become a better place. 

If you follow every dream, you might get lost....

Neil Young has a song that says, "If you follow every dream, you might get lost."  I think he was dealing with middle age when he wrote that.

You can't follow every dream.  You have to choose one thing over another, and that decision leads to another decision which carries you to other decisions and gradually a path is formed that defines the direction of your life.

At 50 I look back on my path and I consider the direction it is taking me.  I freeze in time and look at the decisions I'm making today and the ones I will likely make tomorrow.  This path leads in the direction I chose, but now I fully consider the impact I am having on the earth, the impact on other living things and especially the impact I am having on those who have chosen to walk my path with me.

Life moves on with or without me.  I am lucky, I'm alive at 50.  In a few of the countries I've worked in, the average male lives to the age of 47.  My stomach is full, my house is warm and to my knowledge, nobody is planning on killing me anytime soon.  So I have the privilege of taking the time to look back on my life and reflect on the decisions I've made and the path of life I have lived up to this point.

In hind sight, many of my choices were not the right ones.  They've caused me and others to suffer.  But I made them thinking they were the best choices available.  Some I was able to correct, others I had to just learn from.  Many I would like to choose to forget.  I think the real important ones, the ones that really matter, you don't forget, even if you want to.

There are regrets and as I approach 50, I can get lost in regrets.  Thank goodness I can't remember everything.

I have three more days until I turn 50.  It has been a good run.  The gifts I have been given in this life have been more than I could ever give back.

So I make a pact with myself that I will give more, these last few years left of my life.  Somehow I will help the world become a better place and that when I can't, I'll gracefully bow out of the way.

This is a picture taken in Angola, a beautiful country full of beautiful people. When I was there, they were just recovering from their 27 year civil war.  Look closely at the bullet holes in the building behind me.  Now look at how clean the street is.  I tell you, these people, this country, will someday rise to the beauty they really are inside.

Rubbing shoulders with greatness, a CU graduate retires

My Boss, CAPT Frank Doris is retiring soon.  As bosses go, he was one of the best.

He wasn't soft on me, but he knew my strengths and weaknesses and he was able to put me into situations where I could do the greatest good.  He challenged my weaknesses in a subtle way.  He knew when to press and he knew when to back off.  He demanded my best and I always tried to give that it to him.

Even when sometimes my best wasn't quite good enough, he was able to underwrite my mistakes and make the best out of the whole situation. 

He treated me as a peer.  I was no peer.  I looked up to him.  I was inspired by his example.

He could grasp complex concepts, live with ambiguity and see problems with clarity.  He could sort out what really needed to be done and give us the clear guidance of how to do it.  

He could build a team of people and get things done while still building morale and individual potential.   

He had candor and he had courage.  He was a great boss and a great friend.  

I'll miss him.  

Maybe what he leaves behind in me is a guy who is a little smarter, a little stronger and little more knowledgeable of my real capabilities.

CAPT Frank Doris (CU Graduate) flying a Navy Jet

Stand and Deliver

"Stand and deliver" is a quote I read out of President Grant's memoir.  I don't recall the details, but he was in a bit of trouble, facing one those career ending events that crop up every once in a while.  Something had happened very bad and at least part of it was Grant's fault.  General Grant said, "I had to turn and face the music, I had to stand and deliver."  That might not be the exact quote, but pretty close.

Anyway, General Grant decided he had to face the problem and he did.  I use the word had because that's kind of guy he was.  He felt bound by his duty as a human being to face problems of this magnitude head on.

To read his memoir is refreshing.  Most Generals write books that sound like, "You guys don't understand how great I am so let me write it down for you." President Grant's book was quite the opposite, very humble, very self-deprecating.

He finished it 10 days before he died of throat cancer.  He and his family were completely broke during that time and he wrote the book so his family would have some money to live on.  The book still lives, is still in print and provided his family with a comfortable living after it was first published.

Again, he stood, faced the music and delivered to the very end.

Yes, that is an example I strive to emulate, especially when things go very, very wrong.

Listening to friends and enemies

"Chris, you are getting fat."

Hummmm, this is not what I want to hear. This must be an enemy talking to me.  Or maybe it is somebody with great character and candor that is concerned about my well being.  No, no that certainly couldn't be the case, could it?.... Hummmm.

Sometimes our friends , our mirrors, our clothes tell us things we don't want to hear.  That doesn't mean we shouldn't listen.

The average American adult gains 1-2 pounds every year.  Now that is not much, but after around 30, you also start losing muscle mass.  So if you were a young, virile, trim 18 year old High School football playing Senior at 185 pounds in 1980;  you could be a 247 pound middle-aged man of little distinction in 2011.

I weigh 204 pounds.  The gods have been kind to me, but I defiantly have some issues that need to be taken care of.

Weight is pretty easy to see, once you decide to open your eyes.  Other things in life are much more subtle.  Perhaps it is wise to take an active role in listening to both our friends and our enemies, even when they are telling us things we don't want to hear.

You are never good enough and there is always a better guitar player on the room

I believe we often assess ourselves as less capable than we really are.

This, in the short term, makes our life a little easier.

We don't have to deliver our best work.

In fact, we have little reason to even develop our best work with this attitude.

 Truth is, we are good enough and we are called to develop ourselve to be even better.

I made a few mistakes playing guitar in Mass today.  No body seemed to notice.  They would have noticed the absence of music had I chose to sleep in.

Show up, do your best work, learn from mistakes and continue to give as best you can.

How do you measure success?

In 8 days I turn 50.  Was I successful?  Really?  At what?

A common measurement is the size of a person's house, the worth of his car, the amount of money in his bank account.  How successful his children are, the status of his marriage, the person he marries, the job he has.

I can't say with any certainty that I was successful in any of these measurements.  I can say I've done my best work.  I can say I've given each of these metrics I've full consideration and I've tried really, really hard to look good on these grounds.

But I have not been successful.  Maybe its been 50 years of learning and my success is just around the corner.  Or maybe, most insidious of all, I've been following the wrong dream.  I've been living up to an artificial metric that does not really matter.  Unfortunately, I think I've been following the wrong dream.

So now what?

Well, every once in a while, during these 50 years, I've got it right.  I stayed with the sick person.  I stood up for someone who was being mistreated or slandered.  Every once in a while I would play a board game, throw a football or Monopoly with my kids.

So for the big swath of 50 years, I was a failure, but every once in a while, I hit a home run.

Here is to home runs.  Lets hope I get the next few years right.

 

 

Loyalty

It is a funny word, loyalty.  It used to be the most important concept as I was growing up.  Now some people see it as an old, outdated, bad habit.

I think that this concept has been with us for thousands of years and as such, there must be something to it.

I still hold the concept dear.  I've been burned hard by many who feign loyalty and then change their colors at their most important moment.

I'll be burned again, likely.  But it is unlikely that I'll be burned by the same people as last time.

I have great faith that this will all workout, I just need to learn who to trust.

Moving forward, 10 days to 50

As the sun rises today, I realize that I am 10 days away from turning 50.

It is just a number, but it represents change.

A change in relationships, my kids need less and less of me.  A change in society, a very prominent retirement association has been goading me to join its members.  A change in perspective.  I cannot relive my life, but I can start again.

So what next?

To make a plan and to live in the moment.

This old guitar ain't mine to keep....

In Neil Young's song, "This Old Guitar"he talks about an instrument with almost human attributes.  Neil's deeper message is that we don't live forever.  Even a nice sounding guitar must be taken care of and if possible, passed to others, for we do not live forever.

I think this is an important metaphor.  Our bodies don't last forever, our houses don't last forever.  And we will, at the end of our lives, depart from all of our possessions.

Seth Godin encourages the readers of his books to pass the books on to other people who might need them.  I've given every one of his books away after I have read them.  The information he stored in those books doesn't leave me when I give these books to others.  If anything, the message gets clearer in my mind and now I have someone to talk to about the book's contents.

As I approach 50 years old, my life is full of things I should give away and let go of.  I strive every day to clean something up, organized something and to give something to somebody in need.

Yesterday I went to a homeless vets' shelter and gave some guitar lessons.  It wasn't a 'thing' necessarily that I gave away yesterday.  Yesterday,  I gave of my time.  

To give something away means I need to think about its use and why I have it in my life now.  I then go down the thought process of how I got it and its value to me.  Then of course, I think about who needs it and what  relative value will it become to them.  These are hard things to think about.  It is about making decisions.

If I hold on to any of this stuff past my death, it becomes a hindrance to those who have to clean up the mess once I am gone.

Neil sings, "This old guitar ain't mine to keep.  I'm only taking care of it now. "

Nothing is here for me to keep.  What I have is only on loan for a little while.  What I have, I must take care of.  What I can't take care of, I must let go of.

Running

I remember a body I once had that could run 7 min. miles. That body is no longer with me. What I have instead is a bit of a mystery. This body remembers the wt lifting, the swimming and the running, but it is not quite within the capability of its former self. To train this body takes more time, more focus, more discipline and even so, it breaks much easier.

Should I accept this? No.

I have to train my body because some day I may really need it to perform.

See you on the track! See you in the gym!!

See you on the mountain!!

"And then you realize your aren't fit to clean those boots..."

C.S. Lewis has a quote in his book, God in the Dock which gives me courage to fail.

He writes about his annoyance of the some of the music he hears in his church.

"...I dislike very much their hymns, which I considered to be fifth-rate poems set to sixth-rate music.  But as I went on I saw the great merit of it.

I came up against different people of quite different outlooks and education, and then gradually my conceit just began peeling off.

I realized that the hymns (which were just sixth-rate music) were, nevertheless being sung with devotion and benefit by an old saint in elastic-side boots in the opposite pew,

and then you realize that you aren't fit to clean those boots."

It is 4:28 in the morning.  In a minute, I leave for Mass and a Mens Meeting afterwords titled "This Man is You".

Am I good enough to play my guitar alone in this setting?

The real answer is "No, I'm not."  But I will try, and I will play it with the best devotion and benefit that I can muster.  I won't be the old saint, but I will try to be the saint I should be....

Checking Six

The pilots in the fighter community have a saying, "Check 6".  It means look behind you.  The '6' refers to the 6:00 o'clock position of the aircraft with 12:00 o'clock position being the nose of the aircraft.

I guess that's what I'm doing with this blog.  As I get closer to 50 by the day, I look back and see what is behind me.

We can't live our lives that way.  We can only glance in the review mirror occasionally.  It helps us with out situational awareness.  We know where we were, we know where we are and we have a plan to get to where we need to go.

This is the last blog looking behind me.  The next 16 days will be my look ahead, where I plan to go and the obstacles I know I will encounter along the way.

Always going home....

"Where are you from?"  This was an honest, friendly question asked of me while on a business trip.  The setting was in Tampa, Florida, in a Starbucks, early in the morning and the crowd was pretty thin.

The question and the sincerity in which it was asked caused me to stop and consider a real answer.  Right away there were images flashing in my head from places I had lived and experiences that had that really left a mark on me.  There was the memories of growing up in a small cow town in Colorado.  There was the times I had lived in Korea, seven years in total, some of them very close to the DMZ, others in the capital city of the country, Seoul.  There were the four years I lived in Germany, the trips in and out of Africa, there was Azerbaijan, where my hotel was just miles away from Iran, Tehran, and Iraq.

"Well," I started to say, "I live in Colorado, but I was in the Army for 24 years. "

"Oh, then you are from everywhere?"  He asked in a  natured way.

"No....no, I'm from Colorado.  All my Grandparents are buried there.  It just took me a while to make it back home."

Where do you call home?

Is it a place?  Is it a state like Colorado, or a city or a neighborhood?  Or is it an ideal?

Please leave a comment.  Let me know what you think.

-Chris

Our thoughts make us

"You cannot send away a bad thought when it appears in your mind, but you can create other thoughts which will weaken or destroy this bad thought.  For example, I may imagine that your friend or neighbor has some drawback, and I may not be able to banish this thought, but when I concentrate on the thought that criticizing another person is bad because I am not perfect, and he has the same God within him as I have within me, then I cannot stop loving this person."  -Leo Tolstoy

Our thoughts make us.  They give us the concepts that we carry throughout our lives.  How we control our thoughts?  How do we choose which thoughts to keep in our minds and to grow into greater thoughts?

These are the thoughts that become the foundation of our lives.
These thoughts are the ones that eventually lead us to the actions and events that define us to the outer world.

How do you grow your thoughts?

How do you grow great thoughts?

How do you keep them?

Please leave a comment, let me know.  Thanks!

-Chris

You never know...

I never liked swimming competitively.  The mornings came early, the water in the outside pool was cold and there was usually someone faster...

Mom and Dad insisted that I swim anyway.  So I did….for years. 

Then one day in May of 1992, I found myself on the beach in Korea.  There were two young men drowning in the surf that contained the debris and waves of a recent typhoon.  At that moment, I vowed that I would not go to bed that night with the visions of two people drowning.  I was going to something to help them or die trying.

Fortunately my parents had insisted that I swim competitively ...for years.  Fortunately I had maintained my goal of staying in good shape.

 

Things worked out fine for them and for me.  I'm alive today and so are they,

…. but who would have known?

Think different

'Think different' was Apple's motto. 

It is my daughter's mantra to me.  "Come on Dad, think different."

She reminds me that life carries on.  She reminds me that I have much to offer, but that 'much' is not the same thing.  I must continue to create myself a new or get filed in the dustpan of yesterday's stuff.

That doesn't mean I lose my morals, my rules that I live by, no.  It means to continue with the progress of my life as the world continues to progress forward.

Someday the world will outpace me.  Someday I won't be able to keep up with the changes and the ongoing evolution.  That's not today.  It won't be tomorrow either, as long as I can 'Think different'.

Thanks Steve Jobs.  Great idea.  Think different. Tthink forward. Keep going, keep improving, keep evolving.  Think different.

 

Doing the right thing

As I look back on my almost 50 years, I wonder, when was I doing the right thing?

Am I doing the right thing now?

Am I wasting my time?

Well, I can't say for sure, but I know I'm trying hard to do the right thing.

That counts doesn't it?

Pain and Me

One day in class, a professor asked me, "What motivates you, Chris?"
And out of my mouth jumped the statement, "Lack of pain."

Of course this is a very simplistic statement reflecting a very simple thought process.  Who wants pain?  We all shy away from that.  But truth is, we make our greatest strides forward when we confront pain.  I think we are most successful when we face pain with a plan, a goal and a resolve.  We can't fix all pain, but we can face it and deal with it for what it is.

Pain tells us there is something wrong.  It is a call for action.  Sometimes it is a call to confront the fault inside us that is dragging us down.  We remove the splinter in our finger; we wash and care for a wound we have. We vow never to drink so much ever again the morning after.

Like the alcoholic who fights with his addiction to stay sober, so too must we fight our pain.  We must find the cause of our pain and then make a plan to fix it.  We must probe until we find the cause of the problem, then we must figure out a solution, form a plan and go after the pain.

Some pain lasts a lifetime.  Some plans to confront pain take a lifetime to formulate and execute.  (Let me tell you a little secret I learned volunteering at Hospice.  People often, very often, die in pain.  (Yes, even with the greatest cocktail of drugs available.))  I know you didn't want to hear that, but I think you and I should be aware of this.

Very often in life, we must fight and endure the pain of change, the uncomfortableness of progress and the risk of failure.

Not long ago, I had my second physical therapy session since leaving the surgery floor.  The physical therapist was amazed at my progress.  I had faced the pain, I had done my exercises with daily regularity. 

But the next morning....I awoke in great pain.

After minutes that seemed like hours of trying to ignore the pain, trying to convince myself that this symptom of my surgery was not important, that the pain would go away or at least dissipate for a little bit if I fell back to sleep;.....I got up and faced the pain.

I went downstairs and started doing the stretches and exercises the physical therapists prescribed to me.  It was not a convenient time, I think is was close to 2:00 a.m.

The pain didn't go away.  In fact, for moments, it hurt more and more.  But soon, my range of motion came back, with that, the blood flow to the area increased and then the pain dissipated.  Gradually pain became more manageable.  The pain finally gave up its grip on my mind.  I won that round, but it was a close call.

If we can think of our body metaphorically as a car, or an aircraft, then pain is only one instrument on the instrument panel.  Pain cannot be the sole focus of our life.  Sometimes it screams at us and overwhelms our sense of self.  Even then, we must remember it is not the end all be all.

Pain must be dealt with and it must be acknowledged for what it is.  If we fail at this, we run the risk of even greater damage done to ourselves in the long term.

There are other components of our lives that must also be balanced our attention. 

It is best to deal with pain when it is not overwhelming.  When we know we will face great pain, it is best to make a plan in advance and stick to it through that journey we know we must go. 

The solution to great pain is really hard to diagnose while under its spell, as it overwhelms our mind.

Still, even then, the best time to face this monster is right now.

Happy Haloween Tesla!

Halloween is a great time of year.  It allows us to dress up into whatever we want to be. 

Two nights ago, at a coffee shop, I met a guy dressed up as Nikola Tesla.  He was perfect; right down to the very official, dignified clothing of the late 1800s.  He had a machine with him that looked like it came out of a museum.  It was in perfect condition, made out of old, solid wood, with components that, when you pressed the button, gave off an impressive arc of electricity that flashed from one point of the machine to another.

I asked him, "Are you Tesla?" He said, "Tonight, I'm Tesla."

I thought to myslef, "Who dresses up like Tesla?"

You can't dance with that box, nor are you scary looking like a 19th Century scientist.

I left this man after complementing him on an incredibly accurate costume.  As I made my way home, the scene really started messing with my head.  "Who dresses like Tesla on Halloween?" 

Maybe that was Tesla's ghost, stopped by to remind us of great science and great minds.

Happy Halloween!

Tesla, you scared the heck out of me!

Nikola Tesla

Oh won't you please take me home....?

As I approach 50, I often reflect on the inflection points of my life.  One of those huge inflection points was my assignment to the Second Infantry Division, 2/2 Aviation Regiment, Camp Stanley, Korea.  After some jostling around, I  met my goal of becoming a UH-60 platoon leader in A Company.

Camp Stanley was home to the Aviation Brigade (helicopters) and DIVARTY (Division Artillery, (Howitzers, big, big guns!)).

At the main gate of Camp Stanley was a sign that said "Welcome to Camp Stanley, Home of Guns and Rotors".  That was kind of a take off on the group "Guns and Roses" who were very popular with the soldiers at the time.

Their song, Paradise City was extremely popular.  Especially the chorus that sang "Take, take me home!  Oh won't you please take me home?!"  An assignment in Korea, up close to the DMZ, was considered a tough assignment.  You were on standby all the time, the North Koreans could and might attack at any time.  We were on constant alert and were suspended there in what seemed to be another world, for 365 days.

Looking back on it, with regard to our soldiers, who have been back and forth to Iraq and Afghanistan many, many times, where there are real bombs, real bullets and real death all the time; the 2ID in Korea was a much easier assignment.  But at that time, we didn't have anything of that magnitude to compare our assignment too.

So the song's chorus of "Take me home!!" still resonates with me.

Somedays you think you are going through the hardest part of your life, when actually, upon reflection, it might just be the very best part of your life.

I made it home, but there were others like CW3 Jerry Haney who didn't.  Jerry died in a fiery helicopter crash after he and his crew hit wires close to the Han River.  Jerry had ten days left on his 365 day tour.  He didn't have to take that mission, but he did.  The Korean farmers who witnessed the crash, didn't have to rush into the burning crash to pull out two of Jerry's crew, but they did.  Maybe they didn't know Jerry was still in there.

Flying is dangerous work and let me tell you, I believe Jerry Haney was one of the best instructor pilots we had.  Sometimes your number is just up.  Sometimes you volunteer for just a little bit more than you bargain for.

I miss you Jerry!

When I hear "Paradise City" played now, the first thing I remember is that I did make it home.  The rest is a jumbled memory of flying, of being at the controls of that very powerful UH-60 Black Hawk helicopter under Night Vision Goggles along the DMZ.

And the decisions I made there that will forever echo in the rest of my life.

A few years later, I was assigned again to Korea.  This time I got a picture of me in my favorite office.

I'm sorry, I didn't hear you....

One the things that has undercut my development throughout my 50 years is that sometimes I don't listen.

Listening is hugely important.  The process tells me things I didn't know and perhaps never thought about.

But listening takes time and energy.  I'm always trying to conserve time and energy so that I can.....hummm...what is more important than living in the now?  What is more important than trying to understand what someone is telling me?  Especially my daughter, my son or my wife or those people at work?

Unfortunately the adds on TV are more alluring.  The distant opportunities I see on the horizon of my life capture my mind when actually I need to come down to earth and PAY ATTENTION to those closest to me.

Sad, but true.  I need to work on this very, very diligently.

Harder Better Faster Stronger

Looks like physical therapy is working.  I keep getting stronger, I feel less pain.

The key will be using my time wisely to build myself up.

Country Roads

One of the songs I can play pretty well is "Country Roads" by John Denver.

We dedicated this song to Joe Clay who passed away this summer.  Joe spent years and years of dedication to the Boy Scouts of America.

This summer, Joe Clay went home, and I'll bet he was hiking on a Country Road on the way there.

See you in Heaven Joe!

Facing the Enemy - Pride

As I read Steven Pressfield's book, the War of Art, I get this message:  Our greatest downfall, the one thing our muse will not tolerate, is our pride.

I look back on my almost 50 years almost with amusement.  When I got that feeling in my chest that I was actually somebody, that "People just didn't quite understand how wonderful I was..." feeling - I was headed for a fall.  And fall I did.  The fall wasn't too bad, but that hard stop at the end of it was rather uncomfortable.

Milton wrote in his book "Paradise Lost" about how Satan fell for 9 days before he and his cohorts hit rock bottom.  A nine day fall! The reason?  Pride.  Somehow, the #2 guy in Heaven didn't think he was getting enough credit.  Long way down from there, pal.  In some metaphorical ways, I've shared some of that journey to the fiery pits, though not as far, not as deep and not as hot.

So for me, I reflect my falls and the sudden stop of reality often.  During one of these falls, my ego was badly bruised, almost killed, but never quite.

So as I look to the future, I will be wise to work hard, think deeply, give all I can, serve God and mankind and remain humble.

If I don't remain humble, then I can look forward to another long fall and another hard very stop at the end.

Time

What is time?  It is something a 50 year old man is running out of.

It is something that even Steve Jobs ran out of.

But there seems to be an interesting phenomena that happens to most people as they grow older.  Even as they run out of time, they become more patient.

Just about the time I retired from the Army, I picked up the guitar.  When I was barely good enough, I started playing for the people at Pikes Peak Hospice.

Most of the people I played for at Hospice had, on average, about three weeks or less to live.  Yet almost each one of them was very, very patient.

Of course, a very sad part of this is that most of them were alone and they spent much of their remaining time watching TV.

I think when people start to die, it is hard for those who love them, to spend time with them.

The last days of a person's life are often the only time a person confronts his or her own mortality in a very direct, honest way.  

At some point, the reality of death and the need to confront it, becomes unavoidable.   As this happens, everyone in the room is reminded of their own mortality.  This can be an uncomfortable subject for most Americans.  Hence, many Americans (like my Dad), die alone, in a hospital or hospice bed, often just watching TV.

The photo above is of Ruth Hasty and I.  She passed away about 12 hours after this picture was taken. She loved music, especially guitar music.  What an honor it was to share this very special time in her life.  

What do you say to someone who is dying?  Sometimes all you can do is sing a song or say a prayer.

Ruth died surrounded by her son Les (who also played the guitar for her), and many of her friends and family.  

Ruth's death was sad, as I think all deaths are, but in her case, I cannot imagine a more beautiful and  dignified way to pass on.....

  

Fixing Stuff

As I approach 50 years old, I learn more and more about how important time is and how important our contribution to the world is.  The time of laziness and sloth is, I hope, behind me.  I pray that the remaining time in my life will be spent in pursuit of the great and the good.

With that in mind, there is no time wasted in even the small tasks of cleaning the house or doing the dishes.  These events give me time to reflect on what I have done and I what I need to do.

In his autobiography, Gandhi wrote about cleaning urinals. He left me with the impression that is was very important to do things he disliked, especially if they help clean a dirty environment for himself and for others.

I really don't like cleaning.  It forces me to take action and to make decisions.

What to keep, what to throw away, what to give to others.  And those thing I keep, where do I put them?  Are they really that important? Would it make my life easier to manage if I gave them to someone else in need?

What was it Emerson said, "We should do those things that we fear."  ?  I think that goes for cleaning too.  We should do those things we need to do, especially if we hate them, because it is good for our soul.

The Meaning of Now

As I approach 50, the meaning of now takes a whole new sense of urgency.  I've started to loose my hair, I gain weight and lose muscle faster than ever.  And on the horizon looms that time that we all must experience, death.

When will it come?  I don't know, nor do I spend much time planning for it, but I know it is there and there is no escape from its inevitability.  So life takes on a greater sense of urgency to complete those things started and to start those things that need to be begun.

And really, there is only one time that we live, and it is Now.  The future fades off into an undefined horizon, the past sets behind me like a setting sun.  Today and now is all I can manage, and what I have to manage is more than enough.

Goals in the future are not as important to me as is connecting with real people.  Gone now is the shroud of whom I want once wanted to pretend to be.

No, today I am who I am and really, I hope you get to know me now. There is no one I will pretend to be.  There is only me trying to be the best me I can be,....now....

Smile!

Of all the places I've been to, Angola made the biggest impact.  Angola changed me.

This picture was taken in Kuito, Angola.  It was the place where their 27 year civil war ended.  Look who is left.  Street kids, likely with parents who were killed in the war.  The boy in the wheel chair with the unforgettable smile was a victim of polio.  His friends take turns pushing him down the dusty streets.  

There they are.  No parents, the 7th poorest county in the world, emerging from a terrible, terrible 27 year civil war (I think our Civil War last a little more that two years and we still talk about it.)  

What courage these children show me!  What optimism!  I have the greatest respect for these people.

Before I left, I gave away all of my money and all of my food.  Maybe that was a good thing.

If I stay here with you now...

Ah, that Old Lynyrd  Skynyrd Song "Free Bird".  The memories come rushing back to me. How many times have I sang that song?  To me, it is about a guy who feels compelled to leave his high school, his hometown, his sweet heart and travel the world, because "there are too many places I've go to see".

As I work with the song on my guitar now, I look at the lyrics with a more jaded eye.  As I approach 50, I see the ghosts of things passed and opportunities missed.  Yeah, I travelled, but at what cost?

I've been around the world two or three times in either direction and have lived outside my hometown for about 29 years.  I've lived in Asia for seven years, lived in Europe for four years.  I was in Tiananmen Square, China just months before the Tenamin Square Massacre.   I had my picture taken with Chinese Soldiers about half my height right where the students would later build a model of the Statue of Liberty in protest to their Communist Government's policies.

I've flown helicopters at low level, in formation, full of screaming Infantry soldiers under Night Vision Goggles along the DMZ  between North and South Korea.  I've been to almost the furthest southern tip of Africa to the furthest northern part to the furtherest western part of Africa.  I guess that checks the block.  There were "too many things I've got see".

But really, in each place I was, it was the human element that resonated with me.  It was the people that helped me see a deeper part of the humanity I live in and I live for.  I could have easily seen all that in the eyes of the high school girlfriend who believed in me so much, so long ago.

As I go back to learning the lyrics of the song, I find the words to be very narcissistic.  I've rewritten the words to my version of this song.  Insert "Lord help me, I must change..." instead of "Lord help me I can't change..."

Dude, when reality finally catches up to you, you are gonna change.  You better learn to embrace change, change in the right direction, keep your bearings and still remember who the person you are what what it is that you are all about.  If you are lucky and you pay attention, maybe that won't change.......

Great song, but the words are just too narcissistic for me now.

A friend and I in Morocco, or was it Tunisia?

Free Bird anyone?

I'll be working on that song for a while.

Capturing Ideas Now

A while ago I saw a presentation on TED (http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius.html).  It was given by Elizabeth Gilbert, an author who wrote "Eat, Pray and Love" a best seller that seemed to come out of now where.  Then she spoke about the downside of success, especially if it comes very quickly and unexpectedly to someone.

She spoke about how the Ancient Greeks and Romans believed in the concept of genius and the muse.  Genius to the Ancients was not something you are, it is something that happens to you on occasion and when that occasion happens, you need to capture it and share it with others.  It is often a fleeting opportunity that does not return.

As I look back on most of my Army life, I see my much failed philosophy of trying to be exactly as the Army wanted me to be.  I was not trying to develop myself and my unique capabilities / experiences, I was trying to conform myself to that organization's vision of a perfect officer, perfect pilot, perfect....well, you know.

The end of the story is I never made it.  I demanded of my family and myself huge sacrifices to be put at the alter of the big green machine.

The real end of the story is what the Army did with me.  I have a unique ability to keep in mind what is important, I'm very trustworthy and at the same time, I have what seems to be an unusual ability to work with people of other cultures in often strange and scary places, without being rattled.

The Army sent me to Africa, sometimes by myself to work with other governments on bilateral and sometimes multilateral civilian / military exercises.  I was great at this.  I loved it....but once again it did not conform to the image I had of what I should be doing.  By then I had spent 8 years overseas and I felt it necessary to take my family back to the US, where they could once again learn about our great country and know what it was like to be Americans who lived in America.

It took the Army about 18 years to see the unique qualities I had to offer.  It took me 24 years to figure out the same thing.

So I had that fleeting moment, that great stroke of luck that put me in the right place at the right time.  The real funny thing was that it was not my idea, but the Army's.

Today, as I approach 50, I'm less likely to conform to the norm of what others want me to be or do.  I am  more likely to take inventory of the special gifts I have and to give those gifts of mine to help others.

Thanks Army for the great opportunity you gave me!

Me, outside a hospital in Kuito, Angola, 

Western Africa

Some day I will.....(fill in the blank).

As I approach 50, that 'some day' that I was always going to do this or that comes dangerously close to withering away, or becoming extinct, or at least hard to fir intro an already over committed schedule.

Some day, some day... if you are reading this and you are under 50, remember me.  That little voice inside your head that says you really need to do this or that...please don't ignore it.

As I approach 50, for me anyway, that little voice becomes louder and louder.  At this point in my life it sounds almost a clanging gong.  "You're running out of time....you need to do this right NOW!"  This is what I hear when all is quiet and there are no other distractions in the present.  Sometimes I hear it at night, sometimes I hear it in the shower.

So now I'm doing those things.  I wrote a song, I'm doing this blog, I practice the guitar daily, I joined the church choir, I study Latin and Spanish phrases every morning.

I wonder where this is all taking me.

In the mean time, please learn from my mistakes, learn from my lost time.  Do what you are called to do NOW.  Don't wait for the little voice to turn into a clanging gong.

; )

  

Forgiveness

Part of getting older is dealing with burdens of the past.  Like too much stuff can clutter a home, so can unresolved issues and those times when we need to forgive others.

I have found that forgiveness is not a one time event, it is a continuous process that lasts as long as memory, perhaps even longer.

So much of my past I hope other people forgive me for.  Perhaps even more so, I should forgive early, often and now.

Three Strikes and You're Out? More like Infinity

Life is not like being at bat in a baseball game.  Three strikes and you are out.  In life you can swing as many times as you want.  You call yourself out, nobody else can.

Funny thing, lots of times in my life I thought I was suppose to leave the batting area...and go... where?  To another batting area.  Hummmm.

Maybe we just need to learn from each ball the pitcher throws at us.

Keep swinging, and swing for the bleachers!!

This picture was taken of me during my last flight at the controls of an aircraft while still in uniform.    Who would have thought it would have been in an Air Force F-16 D during a 3 v 4 Air to Air Combat Training mission above Venice, Italy?

Look closely at the name on the aircraft under my arm.  2Lt M. Kathleen......  I didn't fly with her.  I flew with a guy who had the call sign K-squared.  I got to meet Kathleen though.  She was a blond haired, blued eyed 22 or 24 year old.  She told me that she enlisted in the Air Force as a crew-chief, went to a Jr. College, then a University and got her commission through OCS.  Up to that point, I rarely told anyone I went to a Jr. College.  When I went to flight school, most of my classmates were graduates from West Point or some other elite College or University.

I'm proud of Kathleen's journey.  She went from the humble beginnings of an enlistment, to a Jr. College, to a University, to an Air Force Commission to  flying one of the best fighter aircraft in the world.  Not bad, huh?

OBTW, I went to Otero Jr. College (OJC) in La Junta, CO, before I got my undergraduate and graduate degrees.  OJC was the best academic education I ever had.  Sorry it took an F-16 pilot to give me the courage to admit that.

Make 50 or Die Trying

Making 50 is no big deal.  Just live 50 years and there you are, 50.

The truth is you have only two choices, get older or die.

There is a lot of pressure in the people I deal with daily to hide age, to dissipate its effects and to deny the inevitability of the process that takes its toll on every one of us.

At this point in my life, I'm doing to take a view that is as reality based as I can stand and make a plan for the next X years that still remain for me to walk this earth.

Anybody want to join me?

Replacing Bad with Good

Replacing Bad with Good is one of the things I strive to live by.

If something bad happens, what do you do?  Often my immediate response is to return in kind.  As I've seen through my life though, this continuos 'do loop' is a waste of time and energy.

I think we need to take a hint from the teachings of the Bible, the Ancient Greeks and Romans and many other wise people who have walked before us.  This world is a bit dysfunctional, bad things will happen. What will our response be?  To forgive, to replace the bad favor with a good favor.  There is the rub.  That is the challenge.

That is to say not to be Holier than Thou, but rather, to really mean it, to really try to give back good even when handed a bad situation.

Dreams I'll Never See

I had a hard time getting up again this morning.  Was it my shoulder?  Was it the pain killing drugs fading away or was it the anxiety of all I think I need to do today manifesting itself into one moment in the morning?

Never mind.  The cause does not matter as much as the solution.

My brother would often listen to Molly Hatchet's Song "Dreams I'll Never See" when he got up in the morning.  As I stumbled through my daily readings, my shower and trying to comb my hair with a shoulder not quite ready from prime time, the melody of the song hit me.

The song begins with a guitar riff that is very distinct.  The notes of that music took me back in my memory of a time in 1978 - 1980.  In those days we faced what we thought were almost a hopeless situation, caught in a financial nightmare, unable to break free of all the issues, known and unknown that surrounded us.

But the song's message to me was you get up and try any way.  You may not see your dreams come to fruition, but maybe that's a good reason to try anyway.

Funny how songs of the past become the sound tracks of our lives isn't it?

The solution to my funk was to hear that song that drove my brother and ultimately me, further along to where we needed to go...

"Just one more morning, I had to wake up with the blues,..."

"I've got dreams I'm never gonna see

Lord help me baby, dreams get the best of me...."

Pull myself together, gonna put on a new face ya,

Climb down from the hill to and see what I can see..."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_3SydJVaE0

Starting the Day

It seems what every I do in the morning, I get done.

There are a cascade of things to do each do, all of them in some way important, but only a few will get done.

Only a few tasks can be started in the morning.  Later in the day, many of my tasks attempted will be thwarted.  Some of my attempts at the tasks at hand will end in failure or incompleteness.

I guess I've seen almost 50 years of this process, seems I'd be accustomed to it by now, but I'm not.  I often face the day looking at all the things I probably can't or won't get done, hence what does get done is worry and fretting over trivialities.

This is a HUGE mistake.  Very likely, my life is half over.  I am lucky to be here.  It is a privilege to get to do ANYTHING.  This will be my new attitude starting today, starting this morning!

Echoes of the Dreams Gone Bye

Part of my midlife crisis was to learn to begin learning to play the guitar just before I retired from the Army.

After 9/11 what could I do?  As a helicopter pilot with almost 20 years in the Army, go to war, just like everyone else.  So I waited my turn....

And somehow, for some reason, the Army turned me into a civilian/military exercise planner and sent me everywhere.

As an exercise planner stationed in Europe, I helped to plan civilian / military exercises with nations from Iceland to South Africa.

In the middle of that range was some work I did in Northern Africa and the Caucuses.  There I worked with the people and militaries of Tunisia, Morocco and Azerbaijan. 

In Baku, Azerbaijan, my hotel room was about 45 miles from the border of Iran.  It was about 60 miles to the Iranian capital and about 120 miles from the boarder of Iraq.  For the most part, I worked and traveled among the Muslim people of these countries without a machine gun on my back.  I think the experience I got from being there was much different that my of friends who were deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan wearing full battle rattle.

Me and two other guys somewhere deep in the Medina of Robat, Morocco, Sept 11th, 2004 (?)

What can I do as a fellow human being on 9/11?  My response was the opposite of many.  I picked up the guitar to learn to play Schubert's version of Ave Maria.  Why Ave Maria?  Well, the song is a tribute to Mary, Mother of Jesus and she (a poor, Jewish, middle eastern woman) is an example to me of someone who had great faith in her God, her son and her beliefs.  She did not lose her faith in spite of a complete meltdown in her world. She saw her only son crucified, tortured to death and still believed in her God, her Son and in herself. Three days later, Jesus rose from the dead and Christianity took shape.

Maybe when I play Ave Maria at Church or even on the corner of a city street, I will somehow drown out the sounds played and replayed of the airplanes crashing into the Twin Towers.  I will drown out the hatred that still resides even in my own mind.  Somehow, maybe in this very humble contribution to the world, I will be replacing something very bad with something good.

Well, four years later and I'm still working on the music.  I've had years of private lessons, summer camps and group guitar classes.  Each day, each 9/11, I get a little closer to creating the music as it should be played....but I'm not there yet.  This year I played at the beginning of Mass with a friend of mine who played the violin.  Lots of people said it sounded great.  Yes, thank you, but it is not good enough yet.  My journey continues.

My guitar teacher (Charlie Hall web site at:  http://www.dayjobmusic.com/charlie.htm ) said to me, "Chris, you will be able to play Ave Maria on September 11th, the question is 'What year?'"

In a moment of pure insanity at the Colorado Roots Camp last summer, (http://www.coloradorootsmusic.com/index.htm) I signed up for a song writing class with the teacher, Penny Nichols.  On the first day of class she said that everybody has at least one song inside them, some people have hundreds.

It took me almost the whole week to come up with my song.  In the end, I was inspired by the pictures of my two Grandfathers and my Father.

All three of these men have passed away and their pictures are right in front of me in the place I practice guitar every morning.   The other inspiration came from refinancing our house.  We got a 4% or 5% interest rate on a 30 mortgage.  That's good, right?  Then I started thinking...."Let's see, I'm almost 50 and I have a 30 year mortgage....on my house....?

"How do I get myself into these messes?"

So there is the song.  It is looking back at almost 50 years of trying to do the right thing and messing up constantly.  What to do?  I almost want to give up. But then I look into the eyes in the pictures of the the three men I greatly admire, each of them now gone.  Each of them carried the message to me, "Start again."  It is like they were saying, "OK, things are messed up, perhaps hopeless, so what?  Start again.  Try to get it right this time around."
I spent most of yesterday recoding that song with a friend of mine, his wife and their son on the piano.  Below is a link to the song.


"Echoes of the Dreams gone bye.....Grandfather says.....'Start again!!'"

Rolling with the Changes

REO Speedwagon has a song about rolling with the changes.

Roll with the Changes

 I think this concept is the key to aging gracefully.  It may also be a useful tool to living gracefully in the present.

Change is inevitable; changes in our bodies, our income, where we live, our marriage status, our jobs.  Key here is not to hold on too tightly to the past, but rather to learn from it and keep those lessons in context.  I will strive to use those lessens anytime I can on the CURRENT situation at hand.  I cannot and will not live in the past.

I am not the 19 year old I once was.  I'm this guy with the memories of some great things, but I've got to get up in the morning and be the guy I am today.

We are here and now.  That's cool.  It is our chance to shine, but someday soon, our lights will dim and it will be someone else's turn to shine.  How do I gracefully exit the stage of life for the next act?

I think the best way is to be the person God created and to give the effort 100% of my mental and physical energies now.  If done correctly, I will know when it is time to leave.  I hope when I do, I give the new guy a great introduction and to the best of my ability, to support and facilitate the gifts he can now give the world.

Maybe that's what being a Grandfather is all about, giving to those who replace you as you gracefully exit the stage of this life...

Steve Jobs, now that guy made a dent...

Steve Jobs passed away yesterday.  He was 56 years old.  That's 6 years older than me.

It is amazing what he got accomplished.  I wonder, when it is all said and done for me, what I will have accomplished?  Perhaps I will never know the impact of my work or my life.  Perhaps knowing is not as important as doing.

I will let others judge the trail I leave.  As for me, I will do what I can to the best of my ability....and I will sleep well at night.

Your children come through you, but not from you...

In Kahlil Gibran's book, "The Prophet" there is a chapter dedicated to children.  In it, his main character, The Prophet, says:

"Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they do not belong to you."

How true this is.  I strive to be the best parent possible, and yet on the face of it, I fail often on my efforts to be the parent I strive to be.

"You may give them your love, but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday."

He goes on to talk about the pain of parenting...

"You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far."

And then Gibran asks us as parents to give willingly....

"Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness:
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves the bow that is stable."

I guess that is the trick isn't it?  I need to be as stable as possible, bare the pain and give the task 100% of my strength.

The two hardest things I've ever done in my 49+ years on earth is:
1.  Stay married
2.  Raise two kids.

The jury is still out on both of these things.  Let's just say that I've done my best.  The chips fall where they may.....

Combating Entropy

As I grow older, I must come to terms with the limitations of healing that my body can provide.  My mind is something completely different.  It seems as though my mind is getting sharper as my eyes require reading glasses and that 7 minute mile becomes more and more of a memory than a reality.

Dad and I in 1963

Can you spot the 50 year old man in the picture?  Yes, that's me standing upon my Dad's shoulders.  So much of my accomplishments have been through the steady hand and support of others, even when I thought I was doing all the work.

Many years forward, I now stand alone on my Father's birthday.  No, I shouldn't say that. Dad has passed on, but I have many people of my own to hold up and to balance on my shoulders.  It is time to take the seat in the back and become a supporting actor in the movie of life, all the while, challenging my brain and my body to be as strong and as quick as possible.

CGB.

The Spirit...

Last night I met Woody Crumbo's daughter.  Woody was a famous Indian Artist and good frind of my father's.  Woody's daughter was in my hometown giving a presentationg of a documentary she had made of her father.

In the docuemtary, I heard the voice of Woody talking about how an artist puts spirit into a painting by putting much of himself into the work.

Seth Goden says the same thing.  We must go to our work with our whole self, our art, our passion and the spirit that lives within us.

I agree.  Now to live with spirit!  Few days of my life here on earth have really been living in the spirit that is me.

This will be a new leaf for me...

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

...go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.  ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

That's point isn't it?  We shouldn't just follow the path, especially in the last years that we can still decide much of our life.  We must make our own map, we must blaze a trail, if not for our own well being, then for those who will follow us, like our children.

"We have lived that path before. We know the outcome. Today is different. Today we must use our minds and make our own map. If not for us, then for those who follow, like our children. A little more difficult? Chance if failure?  Yes. But that is what we are challenged to give our children. That is what Zeb Pike and so many others gave us." From an email I sent this morning. -Chris

On my honor I will do my best....

One of the things I picked up in Boy Scouts that has been very useful is the Sout Oath, "On my honor I will do my best to do my duty to God and my country...." This morning my shoulder's pain started to interfere with my ability to think past the current moment. "How could I do all I am supposed to do with this pain. I might as well give up now...". And then there was that little voice inside me that said "Now wait a minute Chris, all you need to do is your best." That's it. That's all I can do, my best. Today that may just be enough. Now to go forward.....

I really didn't plan on this happening....

Sherwin B. Nuland in his book "The Art of Aging: A Doctor's Prescription for Well-Being" makes the comment that we should plan on getting old.  There are decisions we make in our lives that help us to better age gracefully.

I haven't done much planning on that, but I did read his book. Maybe that's a start.

Balance

Somewhere out there, there is balance.  Somewhere out there I've spent enough time with my family and enough time at work and enough time at church.

In my almost 50 years, I can't remember a time when I have gotten this balance right...but maybe there was a time.....

Recovering from surgery

Physical Therapy

You'll notice the sling on my right arm.  That's from rotator cuff surgery last Wednesday.  The injury was due to pushing myself a little too hard, a little too often in the weight room.  

I've learned late in life what my swimming coach tried to teach me, what my football coaches tried to teach me, and that is:  "You have to push yourself to see what you are capable of doing."  I think that is the real lesson in high school sports.  Pushing yourself to the next level of performance, even when you are in pain, even when you are tired.  The lesson is that you can go even further than you ever thought you could go.  

But alas, in the pool I could have pushed myself harder, on the football field I should started the sport earlier (Sr. Year) and when I found myself on the playing field, I should have confronted my fear more and gave the game all the energy I had.  As it was, I often held back and I usually had a little gas left in the tank at the end of the game.

Sadly I missed an opportunity to improve myself and to find out what I was really capable of.  

So this week I found myself sidelined at home recovering from surgery that stemmed from an effort to make up for lost time - oh so many years ago.

The recovery really wasn't so bad.  I spent more time with my wife, I took the narcotic pain killers often and I practiced my guitar skills.  I didn't watch any TV at all.  So really how bad could it be?  It was 10 days of Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll!!

; )